Visiting Estranged Child Without Permission
I want to visit my estranged kid at work or at their home and ask them why they estranged? While that’s tempting, it’s not a good idea.
Estrangement is painful and sad and can make a parent do anything just to be in touch again but confronting an estranged adult child at their home or workplace isn’t a good idea and can even be harmful to the future of your relationship. Here’s why I advise against this:
1. It Violates Boundaries
If your child is estranged, they’ve likely set some emotional or physical boundaries. They may feel threatened, and it may show them you aren’t respecting what they want. Showing up unannounced can make things worse, not better, and it may reinforce the very reasons they pulled away.
2. It Can Create Legal or Professional Consequences
At work, it might embarrass them or cause professional issues. At home, if they feel “unsafe”, it could escalate to legal action (e.g., restraining orders). This will only make things worse and set you back for a reconnection.
3. It May Close the Door Further
Even if your intentions are good, an ambush-style confrontation might make reconciliation feel less possible, not more. Trust is key to rebuilding relationships, and it’s hard to rebuild if someone feels cornered or pressured.
A Better Approach
Send a Letter: A thoughtful, non-pressuring letter or message acknowledging their feelings and expressing your openness to talk — when and if they’re ready — can go a long way. I can help you write this letter.
Respect Time and Space: Reconciliation often takes time. Let them know the door is open without pushing them through it. This is something we’ll address in our letter. As hard as this is, your patience is much more likely to open the door for a reconnection.
Estrangement Coaching: Family estrangement is incredibly painful. As an Estrangement Coach, I can help you move forward in your life while still processing the pain of estrangement. When the time is right, we can write a letter together to your estranged adult child or family member that will be respectful and open the door for healing.